Yogurt Three and Half
by Pugsgirl4
Summary: A twisted tale that comes between the third and fourth Twilight books by Stephenie Meyer.


**One**

Mike looked up from his love letter to Bella. It read:

My Dear Bella,

Tu eres mi bonbon.

Yo soy en amor con tu.

Bonbon.

Mike wasn't the best at Spanish, but Bella would get the point. He signed it, Love Mike. Licking an envelope, he sealed the note inside, knowing he had made his move. Nervously, he ran out the door to the post office.

Bella was watching Spanish soap operas, eating a stick of butter when she heard the phone ring. Slowly she made her way over to the old fashioned phone surrounded by useless lottery tickets. "Hello?" She answered, licking butter off her teeth.

"Hey…I'm like, Britney…I'm new to this job…" A young woman's voice responded, "I call people from the hospital. I was told to like tell someone named Bella-"

"-That's me." said Bella, interrupting the unintelligent woman.

"Yeah, that's what I thought." Britney continued, irritated. "So I guess I'm supposed to tell you that your step dad, Phil, is dead. Or rather, 'deceased'. All these like, hospital geeks always use that fancy word. But anyway, he got hit in the head with a baseball…"

Bella hung up the phone, speechless. She licked her buttery lips and went back to the couch with her butter knife. For some reason, she couldn't decide if she was happy or sad about it. She never really liked Phil all that much, but she didn't hate him, either.

Alice burst through the door after there was about three slits in Bella's wrist.

"PHIL IS DEAD!" She yelled, slamming the door shut behind her.

"Yeah, I heard." replied Bella, not taking her eyes off the T.V.

Alice walked over to Bella on the couch. "What the HECK are you watching? AND YOU'RE BLEEDING!" She exclaimed, once she stopped staring at the old television. Alice grabbed her friend's arm and stopped the blood flow with one of the nearby pillows on the couch. "Hey!" Bella exclaimed, pushing the pillow off her wrist. "That was my good pillow!" She grabbed a couple tissues from the Kleenex box on the coffee table and dabbed them on her bleeding veins.

"So you had a vision?" asked Bella, although she already knew the answer.

"Yep." said Alice, staring off into space. "I also saw yogurt falling from the sky…"

Bella laughed. "Wow." She said. They sat in Bella's living room, watching Spanish soap operas for the rest of the day.

The friends said their goodbyes, and right when Alice was pulling out of the driveway, someone else drove up. It was Edward.

**Two**

Two days later, Bella took a gestation test. Positive. That stupid Edward must have sprayed me with milt! Bella thought.

Forty troublesome weeks later, Bella realized she was…err…damp. She also smelled strawberry yogurt. The baby was coming! She called Edward and he rushed her to the hospital.

"In, out, in, out, in, out!" yelled Edward, trying to help Bella with her breathing.

"EDWARD THAT'S NOT HELPING!" She finally snapped at him.

"Okay, okay!" said Edward. "Just trying to help!" They sped down the highway to the hospital, illegally passing nearly 20 cars total.

"EEEEK!" shrieked Edward as he ran beside Bella in her wheelchair to the room. It comforted her to hear the mating call of her male friend. It was time.

"Is someone eating yogurt?" The doctor asked as he entered the birth room, putting on rubber gloves.

"AHHHHHH!!" yelled Bella at the top of her lungs.

The windows shattered.

Edward choked on his gum.

A Yoplait yogurt shot right out of Bella.

The doctor caught the flying object. "Mmmmm! Yogurt!" He said, shocked but satisfied with the strange, flying pleasure. Reaching for a spoon, he noticed something different about the yogurt container. It had a face!

"AHHHHH!" The doctor screamed like a girl, and darted out the door. The yogurt went flying.

Edward dove to save his first child. Well, yogurt. He skidded on the ground and caught the strawberry goodness right before it hit the floor. Another one popped out, and Bella screamed some more. Edward scrambled to catch each of them, and by the end of the hour, he had caught over fifty yogurts.

**Three**

They got settled in the hospital room. Surely they would be there for quite a while. All the doctors were flabbergasted yet interested in the strange organisms. All the yogurts were taken to the nursing room, so Bella and Edward sat alone in silence.

The doctor walked back in, two hours later, holding two bundles- one in each arm. As he got closer, Bella saw that inside there were roughly twenty yogurts nestled in each blanket.

"We kept a couple for further research, but here are the others. You better start thinking of names…" He handed the bundles to Bella, and she looked down at them in her lap. They were all strawberry Yoplait yogurts with smiley giggly faces. But each of them had their own personality. For instance, there was one yogurt that wasn't so happy, and seemed to like spitting on his brother, lying next to him in the blanket.

"They may be yogurt," Edward started to say, sitting on the edge of the bed, hovering over the clusters of Yoplait, "but I love them anyway, and I think great things will become of them." At that moment, Mike ran into the room, breathlessly. "The post office…was…closed!" He gasped, yearning for air. He was holding an envelope with a large heart on the front.

**Four **

Edward was right. Great things would become of those yogurts. Five years later, each and every one of them became astronauts. Bella, Edward, and Mike stood at the foot of the rocket and watched them get on board, waving.

After Mike had taken all that time to track down Bella and give her his note, Bella had turned him down but said they could be friends. Ever since, he had stuck to her like ABC gum. Edward wasn't too happy about this, so Bella had to keep telling him they were just friends so he wouldn't do anything illegal.

"3…2…1…BLAST OFF!" The automatic voice from the space station blasted out of speakers hung high on posts around the launch pad. The space ship filled with over 100 pounds of strawberry yogurt took off into the sky at full speed.

Two days later, Bella couldn't sleep, so she called up Edward.

"I miss the Yoplaits." She said to him.

"Me too. All I smell is strawberry."

"I miss Gwen's sophisticated smile." said Bella, about one of the smartest Yoplaits.

"I miss Nemo's depression." Edward replied about the saddest of the Yoplaits.  
They talked for hours about wedding plans, the Yoplaits, and how Mike was so bizarre. Finally at 1:00am, they said goodbye and hung up.

In the morning, Bella woke up to the sound of children playfully screaming and laughing. She also heard cars honking, men yelling, sirens ringing, and parents demanding children to "get out of that stuff". What was going on?

She rubbed her eyes and flipped her legs over the side of the bed. Before she could stand up, Edward burst in the room, tripped, and accidentally body slammed Bella into the wall.

"Look outside!" He exclaimed. His ankles and feet were covered with a thick pink substance. He directed Bella over to the window. The first thing she saw was a tree…

Covered in yogurt!!

She gasped. This wasn't happening.

"It couldn't be…"

"It's the Yoplaits. Every single one of them blew up in a fatal space accident. They hit a meteor and went hurling back down to earth." Edward told her. She was surprised he wasn't crying.

"How do you know?" Bella asked him, in doubt. "How do you know it's the Yoplaits?"

He held up a small deep, black astronaut suit. "It's Nemo's." He said. "I found it in the Yogurt.

That made Bella burst out crying. Edward comforted her and recited his mating call over and over again. After 24 'eeeks', Bella was free of tears.

"I called your mother yesterday. She was in the Bahamas on her cruise. She told me that they were knee deep in Yogurt there, too." Edward informed her.

"It's unbelievable." said Bella, in a trance. Suddenly she snapped back into reality and looked Edward straight in the eye. "Now what do we do?" She asked him.

"Well, I've gotta go bring my sister to the doctor to get a mole removed, then I'm going out with Jasper and Emmet for some drinks and a chat. After that, I'm going to the football game with a couple of the guys." said Edward, getting up.

"So you're just going to leave me here? Our kids…err…Yogurts just died! How could you?" Bella wasn't happy.

Edward looked like he didn't know what she was talking about. "They were just Yogurts." He said blankly. "Who cares? You've got to get over it."

Bella felt herself reaching for her handy butter knife in her pocket.

"Sweetie, before you go…" She said in her flirtiest voice. Edward walked closer, grinning.

"I wanted to give you something." She said. Edward seemed interested.

"Open your hand…"

Bella opened the dresser and got her emergency hatchet.

"Here you go…"

**Five**

Bella was in denial. She had killed her fiancé. Edward was really gone. She completely regretted the gory crime she had committed just two hours earlier, and the horrid things she had said to him. She had taken it WAY to far. Now she didn't have her Yoplaits OR the "love of her life". What if she got caught? She would go to jail, surely. Alone she sat in her living room, eating more butter.

Then she remembered the wedding that was supposed to happen. What would she tell everyone? They would probably be suspicious.

Bella had to get away.

Rosaline sat on the couch, waiting for Edward. He was late, and she needed to get her mole removed ASAP. Eventually, hours later, she realized he wasn't coming, and got up to go to Bella's house. He said he was going there…

Bella saw Rosaline walking up to her front door. Why was she here? Quickly she scrambled to the door and locked it up tight. Rosaline reached the front and rang the door bell. She tried four times until she gave up and walked away. Bella let out a breath and thanked the Lord that Rosaline hadn't seen her. She got up and looked out the window at her enemy, who was trying to make her way back home on foot, covered in Yogurt. Bella laughed at the sight.

But then she got serious again.

Rosaline was suspicious, and she knew too much.

The only option: Get rid of her.

The only way to do this would to sneak up on her. Rosaline was a vampire like Edward, so she was pretty strong. That night at 12:00 midnight, Bella snuck through the yogurt to the Cullen's house. The light was off in her bedroom. Even though Rosaline was her enemy, she really didn't want to do this. But she had to. This was her fate:

Life or death.

Just as Bella was getting ready to scale the wall of the Cullen's house, Jacob and Sam in werewolf form jumped out at her. She'd been caught!

"Whatcha doin', Bella?" asked Jacob, grinning.

"Err…just, heading home from Alice's." She said, trying to hide her secret crime.

"Okay, see ya later, then!" said Jacob, and walked away, Sam following.

Bella would have to plan her operation differently in werewolves would be out, and catch in her the act. She headed home, disappointed, and scared that Rosaline might have had seen her. She was also uncomfortable because Rosaline was still alive and could get revenge on her. That is, if she had figured it out yet.

Bella stayed up all night that night, planning her next attempt. She wouldn't be able to do this one alone. She had called Paul, the werewolf, to help her sneak into the house without getting caught.

It went smoothly the next night.

Paul had disguised her as a werewolf and they snuck to the house. Bella hid in a bush near the front door while Paul ushered his pack and others away from the area.

Once they were gone, and Paul gave her the O.K, she scaled the wall up to Rosaline's window and peeked inside. She was distracted with a book, and stupid enough to keep her window open that night.

Too easy.

In the morning, Bella heard about the crime on the news. There were absolutely no suspects. Perfect. But they surely would find out sooner or later. Paul had helped a lot, so would he have to leave, too? Then she remembered when she had encountered Jacob and Sam outside of the Cullen's house.

Would they be suspicious? Would they tell the police?

Oh no. Bella thought. Not again!

**Six**

Mike read over his second letter to Bella again. This one was longer.

Bella,

This is how I felt when you turned me down…

Love.

What is it?

A repulsive drunk puppy shot the ugly man's enormous hairy breast.

He felt red blood and bitter sweat on his bare skin.

And the shadow of death rose.

Weak, crying life.

Love crushed by a screaming storm.

Delicate diamonds are pounded to rust by rocks.

Rain blows beauty beneath a blue sea of sadness.

And boils it like incubated chocolate.

It beat eternity like meat.

Elaborate gardens were hit.

Leaving gorgeous produce black like luscious petals of raw sausage.

A chant of sordid moans soared above the moon.

The wind whispered a languid symphony.

The sky ached from a mean winter.

And the drool clubs will worship the sweet void.

After the sun is gone.

Your FRIEND, Mike

He sealed it with a kiss.

Bella later decided she would hold off on the murders for a little while. But so Jacob and Sam wouldn't tell anyone about when they saw her suspiciously wandering around the scene of the crime that night, she took a stroll over to their houses to act innocent.

She went to Jacob's first. But oddly, Sam was there, too. They both answered the door.

"Hey, Bella!" said Sam. They gestured for her to come in.

They walked upstairs in the split level to the small couch in the living room.

"So what's up?" Jacob asked Bella, looking at her, attentively.

"Nothing really." Bella started her excuse, "I just haven't really talked to you guys in a while. Anything up with you?"

Jacob and Sam looked at each other, nervously.

"Well," Sam started.

"We have something to tell you." said Jacob, shakily.

"Yea, tell me anything! It's okay." Bella knew for sure that it was that they knew she was a murderer.

Jacob took a deep breath.

"Sam and I are dating."

Bella gasped. She felt lightheaded.

"Ohh…" She didn't know what to say. She was surprised and shocked, yet relieved.

"Yeahh…" Sam said. "We're gay."

They talked the rest of the day, and Bella was sure they wouldn't tell about the crime. If they knew about it, that is. Bella felt great as she trotted home through the yogurt.

**Seven**

Bella was reading Mike's depressing letter when she heard a forceful knock on the door. She put her butter down and rushed to the door. A strong man with many badges pinned to his shirt was on her front step.

"Ma'am, this is the Washington Police." He said, shifting his weight.

Bella was speechless.

She'd been caught.

They handcuffed her and forced her into the car, which was easy to do, since Bella was still in a trance from shock.

In the car, the man driving talked to her about what she did. He seemed like a humble guy. His voice was calm, laid back, yet weird. Almost as if it were…

"MIKE!?" She exclaimed, "What are you doing driving a police car!?" Bella asked, shocked after figuring out who it was.

"I'm bustin' you out!" exclaimed Mike. "I love you, Bella! Want some yogurt?" He offered her some strawberry yogurt, obviously from the streets.

"NO!!" She yelled.

They drove in silence until Mike parked the car in a parking lot in the middle of nowhere. "Oh! What's this?" He said, picking up a grenade. "Hot potato!" He giggled. He pulled off the cap and threw it at Bella playfully.

"NOOOOO!!" Bella screeched.

**Yogurt 3 ½  
A.F.T.E.R.W.A.R.D.S.**

The organ played a sad tune as four caskets were wheeled down the aisle. Jacob and Sam sang a duet, in the highest voice you've ever heard a man sing. Seven caskets followed, filled with countless pounds of strawberry yogurt, previously called the Yoplaits. When the song concluded, the pastor began the ceremony.

"We gather here today to remember the sacred life of Edward, the blood sucking vampire, Rosaline, his loving sister, Mike, the desperate lover, Bella, the "innocent" murderer, Gwen, Nemo, JoJo, Thick, Creamy, Joe, Katie, Kyle, Maddie, Gio, Eliza, Sammie, Shea, Stan, Sven, Jeff, Jim, David, Taylor, Betty, Kristen, Blu, Emily, Philo, Bob, Laura, Max, Olivia, Emma, Charlie, Carly, Fred, Ned, Amy, Rock, Sydney, Cortney, Sean, Bill, and Sarah. Or also known as 'the Yoplaits'." The pastor didn't seem to be enjoying the mass.

"Bella had died along with Mike in a fatal bomb accident after killing Edward and Rosaline. The Yoplaits spent their last moments of life in space, exploring the moon. Let us remember them all….err…in a good way…if possible."

A minute later, Sam found himself in his bed with the sheets tossed on the floor, as they usually were in the morning.

It all must have been a dream! He thought.

But as he was getting up to go get some cocoa puffs, he saw the most shocking thing.

Jacob was on the other side of the bed.


End file.
